“And you ask “What if I fall?”

Oh but my darling,

What if you fly?”

Erin Hanson

Having trust is tough sometimes. We’ve all been through experiences that have tested our faith and trust and caused us to give up hope. It’s also a tough thing to admit. I’m feeling extra inspirational this week and inspired by the Easter holiday coming up, so I thought I’d share the toughest experience I’ve ever been through – my son’s birth. I hope you gain some inspiration as well, and remember to never be afraid to share your story or give up hope. <3

When I was little, I loved roller coasters and haunted houses. They also scared me to death. This is the epitome of me. I call my husband to kill spiders for me, I won’t go anywhere alone at night, and I am a total control freak. I also love to take chances, I love with everything I have, and I will let my children run barefoot and stay up late in the summer. We all have many dimensions. I’ve never been afraid of trying new things, but it is difficult for me to step outside of my comfort zone. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my life, especially since becoming a mom, it’s that you can’t always be in control or make the perfect choice. You have to trust sometimes.

Trust yourself.

Trust the world.

Trust fate.

Trust a higher being, if that’s what you believe in.

Don’t throw caution to the wind, but let it fly like a kite, keeping a hold but letting it soar through the clouds.

Life is scary. Especially as a mom. You watch your babies as they are literally born from your being, and then you watch them slowly become more comfortable leaving your arms as they grow. You worry endlessly. Your hair becomes grayer, your skin becomes more wrinkled, and your eyes become darker. Even when your kids start sleeping and needing you less, you never stop worrying; and that’s ok! It comes with the territory.

Sometimes, though, you experience something so life changing, it stops your world for a moment and questions your trust. Bad things sometimes happen to good people, and vice versa, you sometimes make the wrong choice or hurt people you love, and the grass is not always greener. But that doesn’t mean you stop living. Sometimes the worst things in life can teach you the greatest lessons and make you stronger than you ever knew you could be.

We went to the cardiologist today for my son’s checkup. We haven’t been in over a year, and wont have to go again for a few years just to check in. It’s interesting how someplace we used to fear with our life has become not such a big deal. It’s crazy to me that my perfect son who will be two years old this year, who loves to run and dance and sing, who loves animals and blueberries; my son who loves his baby sister more than anything in the world, my beautiful, healthy, happy toddler had to go through so much in his first month of life, but will never remember any of it.

Less than a week after my perfect baby boy was placed in my arms, I watched him leave my arms and enter the NICU as he was diagnosed with a virus and a weak heart due to myocarditis. A newborn baby should never have to leave their mother’s arms. A new mother should never have to deal with the emotions that follow pregnancy, while trying to navigate breastfeeding, with a baby who she’s not allowed to bring home. A new mother should never have to worry about whether or not her newborn will be able to breathe on his own, or eat without a tube. A new mother should never have to wonder if the doctors are going to come up with a plan to help her baby get better. A new mother should never have to watch her son be carried away by emergency helicopter to another hospital or drive hours through the night to meet her baby a few states away. A new mother should never have to wonder where she or her husband will sleep in this new state or where her baby would be, or how in the world she is going to afford this. A new mother who spent 10 months preparing for this baby and their life together should never have to spend hours waiting and wondering if they are ever going to get to live that life.

But I did. I did have to do those things; despite how “prepared” I was for motherhood. And I got through it. Because, trust. Because, there’s literally nothing else I could do.

After about a month of fighting and waiting and crying and wondering and swearing and not sleeping, we finally got the answer we were waiting for. We had been discharged with 3 ways our life could go. Our son could live with this condition and stay stable (most likely), our son could get worse, and may need an emergency heart transplant (a little less likely), or our son could recover from the illness and his heart could regain its strength completely (very unlikely).

Guess what happened?

I truly believe someone, or many people, were looking out for us that day. That miraculous day when we returned to Boston to hear from the doctor, “He has completely recovered. I can’t believe it. His heart is stronger than most babies his age!” We haven’t had an issue since that first month, and he still has a 100% clean bill of health, including a strong heart.

Sometimes you get burned. Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes you can’t plan. Sometimes you worry and worry about your toddler getting hurt and the second you take your eyes off of them, they fall. You can’t always be in control. These experiences as a mother will teach you to trust. Trust with all your heart sometimes.

The last few years have been eye-opening for me, and I’ve learned that there is nothing in the world that will change you like becoming a parent does. For so long you are you, coasting through childhood, college, maybe a career, and probably marriage, but never knowing what life is really about until those babies enter your world. Boom. You will never be the same again. Because you will never know a greater love.

When I found out I was pregnant again when my baby boy was just 5 months old (much sooner than I had planned), I had no choice but to trust again. Just when you think you’ve survived a hurricane, you are thrown another curveball. Luckily, our curveball turned out to be the greatest gift of all. Our family could not be stronger. Our family could not love each other more. And now I truly know that we can get through anything together, no matter what life throws our way or what chances we decide to take.

And that feels good.

8 thoughts on “Trust

    • betterwithbabies says:

      Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through that with your son, but nice to have others for support. It’s a unique experience for sure!

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